The Survivors

We who are left behind

In the shadow of the valley of death

We know about sorrow from the bones out.

We who choose to stay behind

And not follow our loved ones through the portal of death

We are the brave ones.

We who survive abandonment

By children who left unwillingly (includes suicide)

Struggle through the the lonely night, into the empty day.

We who drink this cup of sorrow

Need to remember the joy

That carved the cup so deep.

-Anna Olson In Memory of Her Daughter Jenny

When a child dies our whole life changes. We lose friends and family members when we need them most. How sad for us, but it is much sadder for them. Although we would never have wanted it this way, grief makes us better people and better friends. Our loved one leaves us with many gifts. If you are on this bereavement journey alone, take my hand and I will walk with you my friend. The following poem was written by my dear friend Judy Boc and describes beautifully how we feel when we are deserted by our family and friends during our grieving process.

Help Me To Understand WHY?

Why after the loss of a loved one

The bonds of friendship become undone?

Is it because they fail to see

The pain ragin within me?

Do we become so different, so changed?

Are our thoughts deranged?

"Help me to understand Why?"

Have we changed so much, we can't see

The pain we are causing, unknowingly

What have I done, What have I said?

That being with me, you have come to dread

Is it the person who was, fails to continue to be?

The person you expect to see?

"Help me to understand WHY?"

Am I cruel, am I mean?

Have I done things to you, only you have seen?

Have I broken your heart?

If so talking about it would be a start

Help, for I need to see

What in the world I have done to thee?

"Help me to understand WHY?"

I have tried to survive each passing day

In my own way

Purpose of life, to survive this pain

For on this earth, I must remain

My life has been shattered, broken in two

This I have tried to explain to you

Help me to understand WHY?'

I will go on day to day

Staying out of your way

I will do what I need to do

I can not continue to worry about you

Wishing you well, a joyful life

I am sorry, but I must end this strife

"I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND WHY?"

-Judy Boc- In Loving Memory Of Robbie Boc

If You Are Certain That He Lives On, Then Why Do You Grieve?

I grieve for what I have lost and for all that might have been. I will never know if he would have gone to university, gotten married or had children. I will never again run my fingers through his hair, hug him, kiss him. I cannot look at him and feel proud that he is my son. I can not say "Hi how was your day?", ever again. I cannot run to him to share something special with him that only he would understand. I grieve because he was my child. I gave birth to him and I buried him all within 13 years. I know he is happy and yet I want to see him just one more time. I want to tell him that I love him, I miss him, and that I will forever be sorry that I took him for granted. I thought I had so much more time with him. And yet, I think he knows all this and more.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the gentle autumn's rain,

When you awaken in the morning hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circled flight,

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there

I did not die.

Author Unknown

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

The vine still clings to the moldering wall,

But at every gust the dead leaves fall,

And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,

But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,

And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;

Thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall,

Some days must be dark and dreary

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Trees

The trees are coming into leaf

Like something almost being said;

The recent buds relax and spread,

Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again

And we grow old?

No, they die too.

Their yearly trick of looking new

Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unrusting castles thresh

In full grown thickness every May.

Last year is dead, they seem to say,

Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

-Phillip Larkin

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams

For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird

That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams

For when dreams go

Life is a barren field

Frozen with snow.

-Langston Hughes

Nothing can fill the gap when we are far away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bond between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; he does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain.

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

There is not one life which the Life-giver ever loses out of His sight; not one which sins so that He casts it away; not one which is not near to Him that whatever touches it touches Him with sorrow or with joy.

-Phillips Brooks

All I know from my own experience is that the more loss we feel the more grateful we should be for whatever it was we had to lose. It means we had something worth grieving for. The one's I'm sorry for are the ones who go through life not even knowing what grief is.

-Frank O'Connor

Piece by piece, I re-enter the world. A new phase. A new body, a new voice. Birds console me by flying, trees by growing, dogs by the warm patch they leave on the sofa. Unknown people merely by performing their motions. It's like a slow recovery from an illness, the recovery of one's self.

-Toby Talbot

In desperate hope I go and search for her in all the corners of my house. I find her not.

My house is small and what once has gone from it can never be regained.

But infinite is thy mansion, my lord, and seeking her I have come to thy door.

-Rabindranath Tagore

For all parents who have lost a child ( not only a son but a daughter as well) I have found this passage from The Bahai' most comforting.

171. O thou beloved maid-servant of God, although the loss of a son is indeed heart-breaking and beyond the limits of human endurance, yet one who knoweth and understandeth is assured that the son hath not been lost but, rather, hath stepped from this world to another, and she will find him in the divine realm. That reunion shall be for eternity, while in this world separation is inevitable and bringeth with it a burning grief.

Praise be unto God that thou hast faith, art turning thy face toward the everlasting Kingdom and believest in the existence of a heavenly world. Therefore be thou not disconsolate, do not languish, do not sigh, neither wail nor weep; for agitation and mourning deeply affect his soul in the divine realm.

That beloved child addresseth thee from the hidden world: O' thou kind mother, thank divine Providence that I have been freed from a small and gloomy cage and, like the birds of the meadows, have soared to the divine world--- a world which is spacious, illumined, and ever gay and jubilant. Therefore, lament not, O mother, and be not grieved; I am not of the lost, nor have I been obliterated and destroyed. I have shaken off the mortal form and have raised my banner in the spiritual world. Following this separation is everlasting companionship. Thou shalt find me in the heaven of the Lord, immersed in an ocean of light.'

This poem is called "Prom Night". The author is unknown. I will always be sad and will always regret that I was not with my son when he died. I brought him into the world, and never thought I would live to see him leave it. This poem reflects what I needed to hear when my son died. "Mom you did the best you could, it was not your fault."

Prom Night I went to a party, Mom,

I remembered what you said.

You told me not to drink, Mom,

So I drank soda instead.

I really felt proud inside, Mom,

The way you said I would.

I didn't drink and drive, Mom,

Even though the others said I should.

I know I did the right thing, Mom,

I know you are always right.

Now the party is finally ending, Mom,

As everyone is driving out of sight.

As I got into my car, Mom,

I knew I'd get home in one piece.

Because of the way you raised me,

So responsible and sweet.

I started to drive away, Mom,

But as I pulled out into the road,

The other car didn't see me, Mom,

And hit me like a load.

As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,

I hear the policeman say,

The other guy is drunk, Mom,

And now I'm the one who will pay.

I'm lying here dying, Mom.

I wish you'd get here soon.

How could this happen to me, Mom?

My life just burst like a balloon.

There is blood all around me, Mom,

And most of it is mine.

I hear the medic say, Mom,

I'll die in a short time.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom,

I swear I didn't drink.

It was the others, Mom.

The others didn't think.

He was probably at the same party as I

The only difference is, he drank and I will die.

Why do people drink, Mom?

It can ruin your whole life.

I'm feeling sharp pains now.

Pains just like a knife.

The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,

And I don't think it's fair.

I'm lying here dying and all he can do is stare.

Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.

Tell Daddy to be brave.

And when I go to heaven, Mom,

Put "Daddy's Girl" on my grave

Someone should have told him, Mom,

Not to drink and drive.

If only they had told him, Mom,

I would still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mom.

I'm becoming very scared.

Please don't cry for me, Mom.

When I needed you, you were always there.

I have one last question, Mom,

Before I say good bye.

I didn't drink and drive,

So why am I the one to die?

I think these difficult times have helped me to understand better than before how infiniteley rich and beautiful life is in every way and that so many things that one goes around worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.

-Isak Dinesen

Help thy brother's boat across, and Lo! Thine own has reached the shore.

-Hindu Proverb

And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one weak creature makes a void in any heart, so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!

-Charles Dickens

When it is dark enough you can see the stars.

-Charles Dickens

Fathers grieve too. I often wonder how bereaved fathers cope. They are often the forgotten mourner. When my son died people would ask, "How is she doing?" Why did they never ask Tyler's father how he was doing? He hurts too. He loves and misses his son. Men are expected to act strong and hide their tears when disaster strikes. I believe men kill themselves more than women because women can cry and let it out. Men have to hide their pain and keep it to themselves. For some boys and men holding in all that pain has fatal consequences. When are we going to realize that it takes more courage for a man to cry then it does for him to keep it all inside?

Men Do Cry

I heard quite often "Men Don't Cry"

Though no one ever told me why.

So when I fell and skinned a knee

No one came by to comfort me.

And when some bully boy at school

Would pull a prank so mean and cruel

I'd quickly learn to turn and quip,

"It doesn't hurt" and bite my lip.

So as I grew to reasoned years

I learned to stifle any tears.

Though "Be A Big Boy" it began

Quite soon I learned to "Be A Man".

And I could play that stoic role

While storm and tempest wracked my soul.

No pain or setback could there be

Could wrest one single tear from me.

Then one long night I stood nearby

And helplessly watched my son die.

And quickly learned to my surprise

That all that tearless talk was lies.

And still I cry and have no shame

I cannot play that "Big Boy Game".

And openly without remorse

I let my sorrow take it's course.

So those of you who can't abide

A man you've seen whose often cried,

Reach out to him with all your heart

As one who's life's been torn apart.

For men do cry when they can see

Their loss of immortality.

And tears will come in endless streams,

When mindless fate destroys their dreams.

-Ken Falk TCF /Northwest CT Chapter

This one's for the gentle boy

Who wrestles with his pain,

His easy-bruising tender heart,

And ever-active brain.

He feels much more than others do,

But then he tries to hide,

With laughter or bravado,

The gentle boy inside.

With wit and style and artifice

His secret's kept so well.

Who dreams the brave facade you see

Conceals some private Hell?

Meanwhile, the brutes live on and on

Their unexamined lives.

The low, the stupid, and the cruel,

The sluggish idiot thrives,

To fill the world with empty talk

And greed and hate and noise,

To breed, carouse, and make life Hell

For all the gentle boys.

Some gentle boys grow heartsick

And tired of this charade.

They blow themselves right off the Earth,

Or fight, then fail, then fade.

If you should love a gentle boy

There's little you can do.

If he decides his time has come,

He'll leave the Earth and you.

He cannot see that if he goes

You'll never fill that space.

You'll spend your whole life searching

For that laugh, that kiss, that face.

How can the gentle boy not know

You love him beyond death,

You'd help him any way you could,

Unto your dying breath?

Someday when justice reigns on Earth

We all may greet with joy

A world where it won't hurt so much

To be a gentle boy.

-Mary Withers , William's Mom

Please Visit William's Memorial

William